Clients start welcoming transformation & wellbeing in just a single coaching session!
Is anger really bad? Learn what anger may be trying to tell you about boundaries, old wounds, and self-abandonment.
Most of us grew up learning that anger is bad. Some of us grew up in households where anger equated shouting, breaking objects, chaos & tension and anticipating punishment from a parent figure. But what if this seemingly unacceptable emotion holds something deeper & sacred?
Priyanka Sawhney
7/1/20263 min read
Why is anger considered a bad and unacceptable emotion?
I went to Pushkar this year, to celebrate Holi.
As we paused at a dhaba for dinner (which I did not have anyway), we started talking about emotions.
Intense emotions.
About sadness, grief, separation, relationship issues. And last of all, anger.
While all other topics were met with openness, anger was met with disgust.
"Anger is just an emotion, & is acceptable, just like all others", I said as a matter of fact.
"NO."
That was the immediate response I received. From everyone in the group.
"Anger is disgusting. Anger makes people scary. Anger makes people mad. Anger makes people do violent and bad things."
Before we go further, let's take a pause & observe what was happening there.
Anger was judged as an unacceptable emotion when it is simply just an emotion, meant to be expressed and moved through the body, just like other emotions.
Anger had a negative connotation attached to it just because of past experiences.
These friends, like many of us, had grown up seeing the chaos surrounding RAGE (which we will come to, in a minute) and confused it with anger.
Having a parent figure with dysregulated emotions & the lack of ability to self-soothe naturally brings such bias & fear in the mind of children, right from when they are young.
As a result, it is only natural to feel that anger is bad & even judge the self & others who express anger.
Is that not how our worldview & our perception is formed & shaped?
"That is suppressed anger. That's called rage", I replied calmly.
"And it builds up when we judge our anger & never feel safe to express it. That can then become suppressed & look very ugly when there is finally an emotional outburst."
I am not sure how convinced they all were but that's not the point. Undoing old conditioning does take some time.
The point is: all emotions are thoughts in motion in the body.
They are meant to be felt, expressed & released in healthy and safe ways.
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist, explains that the biochemical lifespan of an emotion is roughly 90 seconds.
So it is for anger. Allow yourself to feel it and it shall pass. (Feel and react are different concepts altogether.)
Suppressing emotions does not make them go away but they then show up in the body later in the form of disease. Aches. Pains. And keep us trapped in the past.
So is the case with anger. So let us learn a bit about anger, its helpfulness in our lives & how it is our most faithful friend & guide:
Why am I always angry? Why do I get angry so easily?
Replace these with: What is my anger trying to tell me?
Anger is a secondary emotion. It masks something deeper & simpler.
I have often observed how beneath anger lies an unmet need or an emotion.
It could be hurt, unmet expectations or simply, sadness.
Suppressed anger doesn't go away. It stays as anxiety, stress, overthinking, avoiding conflict, resentment and bitterness, that then show up as a trigger in similar situations.
If you ever find your anger, anxiety or response, disproportionate to the situation, it may be time to look beyond the current situation & understand your triggers.
Repetitive situations that trigger old past hurts & reveal our limiting beliefs also bring to surface old hurt & old emotions, that were not allowed to be expressed. Over a period of time, these turn into rage & may be termed as "having anger issues."
There is nothing like anger issues. It is only old emotions one has suppressed & that are willing to be released completely.
Anger and resentment are messengers that tell you that your personal boundaries have been violated. Or are not being honoured.
Or that you are carrying more than your fair share.
Which is why people who people please or find it difficult to say NO develop autoimmune diseases so easily. (Read Mind-Body Connection by Louise Hay or my blog article on Mind-Body Connection.
When one is used to carrying emotional responsibility of others, carries other people's emotions & overextends, resentment and anger are natural.
This is not bad anger. This is just a sign you're doing things out of habit or fear, not love or wish.